Marriage and divorce can teach us profound lessons about the complexities of love, commitment, and the importance of communication. Have you ever been taught what marriage is about, let alone divorce? These topics were never mentioned at school or home while growing up. We have to learn too many things by experiencing them, and I am no exception.
A forefront warning: this is my longest post, sharing my emotional journey of self-discovery and personal growth through marriage and divorce.
Marriage is a transformative journey that imparts invaluable life lessons, including the significance of compromise, communication, and unwavering commitment. Within matrimony, we learn to cultivate patience and embrace forgiveness, recognising that no relationship is immune to imperfections. Sustaining a marriage requires tremendous effort and a mutual understanding from both parties involved.
Conversely, divorce introduces us to the profound anguish of separation and the intricate process of disentangling lives once intertwined. It serves as a poignant reminder to prioritise our well-being, emphasising the essentiality of self-care and the pursuit of personal happiness.
In general, we go through these typical stages in life:
- Single Relationships (short-term, long-term)
- Marriage (optional nowadays)
- Divorce (not all do)
- Back to single
- Repeat the cycle (or not)
However, it’s important to note that only some follow this linear path in life.
Lessons from Marriage
Marriage is not just a legal union or a societal norm but a journey of growth and companionship.
We lived together for an extended period before deciding to take our relationship to the legal stage. At one point, I dismissed it as merely a piece of paper, confident in the strength of our love. After all, we had journeyed through the highs and lows of life for over six years, providing unwavering support to one another. I believed that getting married or not wouldn’t alter anything between us. However, I soon realised I was mistaken.
Marriage did bring about significant changes, particularly in terms of the level of commitment and the weight of responsibilities. But marriage is not without its hardships. It requires constant communication to build a strong foundation of trust and understanding. It is about being vulnerable with each other and sharing life’s joys and sorrows.
We no longer introduced ourselves as boyfriend or girlfriend; it was now husband and wife, symbolising our deep commitment as life partners. We had officially formed an extended family, embracing both sides. The magnitude of our commitment and the accompanying responsibilities surpassed us. While conscious of the obstacles ahead, we were ready to embark on this new journey as a unified family.
We learned to navigate through challenges and find solutions together during our relationship. Everything seemed beautiful until it wasn’t. Life can sometimes feel like it’s down to the last drop of water.
They say you learn more about people, even yourself, during a crisis. Unfortunately, the way both of us handled our situation was terrible. Neither of us had ever dealt with this kind of problem before, and even within our friend circle, nothing like what we were going through had ever happened.
We were at a loss for what to do, unable to lean on each other for support as we were supposed to. We wanted to seek help from one another, but the other person interpreted our behaviours and actions differently. In other words, we misread each other entirely.
But that was not the main reason why I decided to part ways. The crisis served as a catalyst, prompting me to reflect on our relationship and uncover the underlying issues that led to this breaking point. There was extensive internal analysis, which made me realise the necessity of seeking assistance. It became clear that I could no longer navigate these challenges alone.
I sought advice from trusted individuals who knew my ex-husband and me, maintaining confidentiality to avoid unwarranted gossip and judgment. Additionally, I actively pursued professional assistance and engaged in therapy sessions to attain an enhanced understanding and introspection regarding my emotions and behaviours. This process of self-discovery and reflection proved to be a challenging and transformative journey.
During this time, I discovered that effective communication was one of the biggest mistakes we ignored for so long.
It’s ironic how we talked about everything and anything. Still, we could have communicated more effectively about the most essential things in our relationship. We assumed the other person understood our feelings or thoughts, but we never explicitly expressed ourselves. This lack of communication built up over time and eventually led to the breakdown of our marriage.
I learned that communication is not just about talking but also about active listening and understanding. It’s about expressing our needs, fears, and desires honestly and openly, without judgment or defensiveness. It’s about creating a safe space where both partners can share their thoughts and emotions without fear of rejection or criticism.
I was at a crossroads in life, uncertain which direction to take. Two options loomed in my mind, each with its possible outcomes. Continuing down the current path likely leads to more of the same. After nearly a decade together, I had lost faith that our communication issues could improve. While we always managed to find our way back to each other after arguments, the root problem remained unresolved. I tried countless times to improve things, but nothing seemed to work.
On the other hand, if we were to part ways, the future was equally uncertain. It could mark the end of our relationship, or we might realise that we couldn’t live without each other. Unfortunately, divorce was the next phase of our journey.
The Journey of Divorce
Divorce is a process that involves legal and emotional complexities, as two lives are untangled from one another. It was a painful and challenging process, especially emotionally. We had to navigate the division of assets while figuring out what was next. It was also a time of immense grief and loss.
While often painful, divorce can be a necessary step towards personal growth and happiness.
I understand that every divorce brings about its own set of emotional struggles. Our situation was harrowing because we still loved each other deeply, but I recognised our relationship had become toxic.
I firmly believed that we were both being dragged down by our connection, so I concluded that being separated would ultimately benefit us in the long term.
If we had so much joy when receiving our marriage certificate after three months of a hectic paperwork procedure, including sending back and forth documents to both the embassies of Vietnam and Spain, getting documents translated and legalised, and flying back and forth between Saigon-Nhatrang and Nha Trang-Sai Gon to be officially united as a family finally… the day we sat in the People’s court signing our papers for the separation, we could not stop our tears from rolling down. It felt like hundreds of knives stabbing our hearts over and over. And yet… we are legally not together anymore.
If marriage taught me anything about relationships, divorce has given me an even deeper understanding of individual connections.
Divorce has humbled me, prompting me to reflect on what went wrong and recognise what worked and what didn’t work for me. Ultimately, discovering how to find inner peace and peace with my former partner has been genuinely essential.
It has been a challenging journey filled with heartache and growth. Through the pain of separation, I have learned to prioritise my self-care and focus on my happiness. Divorce has taught me the importance of setting boundaries and standing up for myself. It has also shown me the strength and resilience I possess.
Post Divorce
So, I rented a delightful two-bedroom apartment with a wonderfully spacious balcony. I took the opportunity to transform the living room into my home office, utilising one of the smaller bedrooms to create a dedicated studio for Sinhtolina. I was determined to rebuild my life and revive my business in this new space.
However, it wasn’t easy, as I faced numerous emotional challenges. There were bad days and good days. Some days, the pain became unbearable. I would collapse on the floor and cry like a lunatic, unable to contain my sorrow. But then, a different stage took over, and I found myself sobbing without making a sound. At that moment, everything fell silent.
I questioned myself: What had I done? What had gone wrong? How did we end up here? I was no longer a wife. I had lost my family and, in the process, lost myself. Who was I now without my partner? I would spend days rearranging my apartment to distract myself from these thoughts, seeking solace in organising my surroundings. Looking back now, I can see that this was my way of decluttering my mind and healing my heart.
After our official divorce, we decided to attend therapy together to understand better our past and how we reached that point. During the session and self-reflection, I realised that my insecurities and fears significantly hindered my ability to communicate openly and honestly within our marriage. I had been afraid of vulnerability and expressing my authentic emotions, resulting in misunderstandings and resentment. Additionally, I discovered that my ex-husband had difficulties comprehending my needs.
Self Discovery
Self-discovery holds immense significance in divorce, as it allows me to navigate the turmoil of separation and redefine my sense of self. Divorce marks the end of an essential chapter in my life, accompanied by emotional distress and upheaval.
Engaging in self-discovery during this time has empowered me to understand myself better, rebuild my identity, and foster personal growth. It has served as a guiding compass, steering me towards self-acceptance, healing, and a brighter post-divorce future. By embracing self-discovery, individuals can emerge from the complicated divorce process with newfound confidence, resilience, and a clear sense of purpose.
I needed to heal and find the happy version of myself – the one filled with energy, love, joy, and passion for life. With a strong commitment, I dedicated myself to the journey of healing. I embraced the lessons learned from the aftermath of our divorce.
One of the most important lessons I learned during this time was that divorce is NOT a failure or a sign of weakness.
I kept a discipline to exercise daily to keep my body in shape, meditated to clear my mind, and reflected on my experiences. I never stopped writing in my journal as it helped me find clarity.
As time passed, I discovered new routines that brought me immense joy and a renewed sense of purpose. One such practice was waking up at 5 a.m. to write, followed by a blissful morning walk or cycling session around Thao Dien, reaping the physical and mental benefits. These activities became my sanctuary, allowing me to release the pain and focus solely on my well-being.
In addition, I started reconnecting with old friends and family members who had been there for me throughout the ups and downs of my marriage. Their support and love reminded me I was not alone in this journey. They encouraged me to explore new hobbies and interests, helping me discover parts of myself buried under the weight of my failed marriage.
The Lesson Of Forgiveness
Through the divorce process, I discovered the transformative power of forgiveness. Although it was a challenging journey, I ultimately realised the importance of letting go of the past and forgiving myself and my ex-husband.
It is often said that we are our own worst enemies, and I am no exception. I was the harshest judge of my actions, burdened by shame, guilt, and internal turmoil. These emotions eroded my self-esteem, confidence, and belief in myself.
My actions went against my moral compass, yet deep down, I still wanted to believe that I was fundamentally a good person.
As I deeply regretted my actions, I recognised that I had made a genuine mistake and deserved forgiveness, even if others were unwilling to offer it. I consciously tried to acknowledge and own my mistakes, vowing never to repeat them.
A friend once shared a metaphor, comparing forgiveness to an axe and a tree. The axe, representing the one who caused pain, can never comprehend the depth of the tree’s suffering. In the past, I had been the tree, experiencing immense pain. But now, as the axe, I realised the unbearable pain of knowing that I had caused the person I loved the most to suffer. Realising that they now saw me as a wrong person was almost intolerable. It was a pain that I could hardly endure.
Nevertheless, I embarked on a journey of self-forgiveness and healing during the divorce process. It was a constant battle to let go of the guilt and shame. Still, with time and self-reflection, I began to understand that holding onto those negative emotions would only hinder my personal growth and happiness.
As I started to forgive myself, I also extended that forgiveness to my ex-husband. I acknowledged that we were both imperfect beings, capable of making mistakes. We were two individuals on separate paths, trying to find happiness. I released the anger and resentment that had built up throughout our marriage, understanding that it was weighing me down and preventing me from moving forward.
Through forgiveness, I found liberation. I healed the wounds of the past and created space for new beginnings. It was a process of acceptance and moving forward. I sought out support from friends, family, and therapists to help me through the healing process.
During this time, I underwent a profound journey of self-discovery and reignited my passions. I wholeheartedly embraced pursuits and interests I had long set aside during my marriage.
Among the aspirations put on hold for an extended period was my long-held dream of studying abroad independently. I have shared the details of this transformative decision to pursue my MBA in a separate post. If you want to explore my journey, I invite you to read it here.
As time went by, I began to rebuild my life independently. I focused on my career and personal goals to create a fulfilling and meaningful life. Furthermore, I embraced the freedom, cherishing the opportunities to decide solely for myself.
Going through a divorce also taught me about resilience and strength. It’s not easy to end a marriage and face the challenges that come with it, but I persevered. I discovered that I can navigate complex situations and adapt to new circumstances. Gratefully, I learned to trust my judgment and started making plans for my life again.
My wish for you
As you read through this lengthy post, my journey was unpleasant, and I have been still on my healing pathway ever since. Therefore, I do not encourage anyone to follow in my footsteps. However, you may face challenges within your marriage or long-term relationship. In that case, I sincerely hope you find the strength and wisdom to work through those difficulties with your partner.
Alternatively, suppose you find yourself at a crossroads similar to the one I once faced. In that case, I encourage you to have the courage to seek clarity in what you truly desire. Regardless of your decision, have faith that things will improve.
Thank you for making it to the end of this post.